The Gottman Institute defines betrayal as “anything that violates a committed relationship’s contract of mutual trust, respect, and protection” (Benson, 2023). The American Psychological Association (2023) defines betrayal as “any act committed by one relationship partner that violates the other’s expectations of that partner (e.g., that [they are] trustworthy and has regard for the other’s well-being).” The APA goes on to elaborate, stating that betrayal applies not only to infidelity, but also includes “lying, disloyalty, revealing secrets to outsiders, intentionally harmful behavior, lack of support, or broken promises.” The Gottman Institute (Benson, 2023) explains that betrayal is “founded on two building blocks: deception . . . and a yearning for emotional connection from outside the relationship.” They list emotional cheating, conditional love, and emotional withdrawal as types of betrayal other than infidelity.
When we enter into primary relationships, we seldom sit down and write up a relational contract, as we would if we were entering a business partnership or professional agreement. Even though we don’t write it down, we still have an idea of what that relationship includes. Have you heard the term “DTR talk”, which means “determine the relationship talk”? That usually means sitting down with someone you are interested in, possibly casually dating, and determining how to shift your relational boundaries to move forward with the relationship. This often includes exclusivity in some fashion. If you are monogamous, then it might include exclusive dating, romantic and sexual connection, and emotional connection. If you are poly, this might include communication around interactions with others and level of emotional connection with others. Whatever your relational structure looks like, you and the person(s) you are in the relationship with move forward together with new ground rules, aimed at deepening your connection to each other.
Whether you officially sit down and have a DTR talk, as we develop relationships, there are clear expectations around what we can expect from those relationships. Sometimes they are spoken and other times they are expressed through actions. Differences in expectations result in some level of relational conflict, which shifts the direction of the relationship based on how it’s dealt with. This may be conversations about how to divide responsibility, or conversations about expectations regarding interactions with each other and/or others. Each conflict helps to shape our relational contracts.
Betrayal is when one partner goes against the relational contract, whether the other partner(s) knows or not. Betrayal creates a situation where the other partner(s) is no longer emotionally (or potentially physically) safe in the relationship at some level. The more extreme the betrayal, the less safe the partner(s) is.
References
American Psychological Association (2023). Betrayal. APA Dictionary. Retrieved August 5, 2023, from https://dictionary.apa.org/betrayal
Benson, K. (2023). 3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Aren’t Infidelity). Retrieved August 5, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-betrayals-ruin-relationships-arent-infidelity/